unbelievable morning

i get to work today and watch a couple deuces cracked videos and im feeling great. lets go ahead and grind back what i gave back last night. Right off the bat i get KQ and 3bet squeeze from the SB. MP and the Button call and im not liking where i am. My opinion changes however as the flop comes KQ4 two diamonds. I bet 7 into 9, MP folds and Button flats. The turn is an off suit 5 and i Jam my last 15 dollars into the 23 dollar pot to get a call from the button with J10o. He cold called a raise and then my 3bet, called a large flop bet basically committing himself that layed just over 2 to 1 and then got it in on the turn getting like 2.5 to 1 with a bare oesd.

So almost immediately i am down a stack but i shrug it off. Ive been working really hard to remain tiltfree at the table and i think i have been able to control myself. For the next 30 or so minutes i grinded and was playing quite well. I was playing extremely aggressive and 3betting quite often to punish 25/20s who were opening too wide.

My constant aggression even opened up a golden opportunity to 4bet bluff out of the small blind with 66 and get a fold from the button. I had been picking on him ruthlessly and he had just started 3betting my opens.

Anyways i had about $40 on one table, $3o on two more, and about $19 on my last table when this hand came up.

With that my stop loss was activated. Roll is at 416. It is sickening to know that everything i won yesterday is gone. Since dinnertime yesterday it has shrunk 20%.

I had a post planned for this morning in which i was going to talk about separating myself from my roll, trying to distance myself from the money with which i play. Luckily for me, i do not count on this money to live. I have a job which funds my hobbies, weed, and bank account (london savings). I have not had to redeposit in quite some time which is fortunate. What I am trying to say is that i need to refrain from freaking out about losing 20-30 dollars of full tilt money. First of all, its not even that much money and not that big of a deal. Second of all, and this is the big one, I need to separate poker money from real tangible money. I do not expect to cash out of full tilt anytime soon, so while i obviously hope to not go busto, money i have online is not money that i use to live. Losing it is not the end of the world. It just means i have to find another hobby to devote 10 hours a day to.

Well, thats what i was going to write. Thats what i think. Thats what i know i should think. But its hard. Its so goddamn sickening that every time i start running well, playing well, feeling well it all comes crashing down. And in the course of what, one day?

I am in a terrible mood right now and why? Becuase i lost 100 dollars on poker. Who the fuck cares. What happens to me in poker shouldnt CANT affect how i live my life, how my day goes, how i interact with my friends. There needs to be some sort of separation.

Easier said than done. Right now i feel like shit. I wish i felt like a degenerate but i dont. I got unlucky in two spots and lost a bunch of money. I was playing the best poker ive played in a while today imo and what do i have to show for it. Thats why i feel like a loser. Every time i try to take a step foward full tilt pushes me three steps back.

Im really tempted to withdraw my roll. It would single-handedly fund a turningstone trip or buy a heady ounce. The only thing holding me back is that i have oh so much downtime this summer. And, i love poker. I dont love it right now but i will love it again. \

OK, so my stoploss for the day has been activated. That means that im not going to open another 25nl table until no earlier than 2pm assuming i really really want to play. Its gross that this happened because this way. Id so much rather be prevented from playing 25nl due to a skill disadvantage that i could make up with practice and studying as oppose to my atrocious luck.

Im not even sure if i feel like cash any more. Its such a grind. At $400 i am officially still rolled for $10 sngs and 5$ mtts. Maybe ill go back to grinding my $12 turbos or lowstakes mtts for a while. I dont know. Maybe ill drop down to 10nl. I guess i could take another shot at 25nl when i feel up to it. I just dont want to lose my whole roll to suckouts.

I mentioned yesterday that the main benefit of taking a shot at 25nl was the speed with which my roll would grow if it went well. That was definitely true, as it shot up 100 dollars in a day. If i try again im sure that is easily re-attainable. I dont know.

At least im not busto.

Gogo Phil Ivey day 8